I suspect that the reason there are so many quotey inspirational posters these days is that they work way too well. Imagine working down a motivational print mine? You’d never go home. That is, unless that mine belonged to Cliché Zero. Merging cheery optimism with a healthy dose of sarcasm, Cliché Zero‘s typographic prints play up to the traditional self-lovery that most The Secret-inspired quotes extol, but deliver their message with a good sharp kick to the funny bone. Fill your boots people, this is some good advice. Available at Cliché Zero, €12 each.
We’re often told that punching pillows is a great way of releasing pent up rage, but it would be nice if it was a slightly fairer fight. Worry not, I’ve tracked down 10 offensive throw cushions that could probably hold their own were you to dole out a savage beat down. What? I was just plumping them. Plumping them to hell.
1. Merde cushion (€77, Alexandra Ferguson). You may think that this is the only word you’d need to know to confidently explore France, but actually it’s not. As soon as the waiters realize that you know it, they’ll just call you something else.
2. Anger Cushion (€16, Society 6). I quite like the idea of having a selection of cushions that express various emotions. I mean, who wants to actually have to say stuff?
3. Cannonball cushion (€50, Utilitarian Franchise). When you absolutely, positively gotta chill with the some images of ancient weaponry.
4. You Suck Heart Cushion (€20, Sweat and Offbeat). Oh I suck? Well you’re my new favourite fart stifler, how do you like that? Goddam soft furnishings giving me abuse.
5. I Hate People Cushion (€55, Zazzle). You hate people, huh? Actually, I think we have a bit common ground here. You’re my new hug pillow, that’s what you are.
6. Pew Pew Cushion (€32, Choice Cuts). I’m more of a martial arts Whaaatchaaaw kind of gal but I’ll Pew Pew back. Yeah, I’ll Pew Pew back like you’ve never been Pew Pewed back before. You bastard.
7. Go To The Gym Cushion (€77, Alexandra Ferguson). Hey, I’m not the one sitting on the bloody couch all day, stuffing my face with Doritos Chilli Heatwaves and shouting at Dr. Phil. Okay I am. Outsmarted by a pillow. Again.
8. Fighting Panda Cushion (€16, Society 6). I know this isn’t the most politically correct view to have, but Pandas deserve a good hard slap. What kind of animals won’t hump? My family cat has been neutered for about a decade and he still tries to perform indecent acts on himself. I bet pandas don’t even fight.
9. Ninja Cushion (€20, Yellow Bug Boutique). Finally, a worthy opponent. Ninja cushion has got the looks, but has he got the guts? I just check and, he does; he comes stuffed with polyester filling. Touché.
10. Fuck U Cushion (€16, Society 6). Now here’s a cushion that’s just plain asking for a bashing.
Firstly, don’t ever type “taxidermy” into Google Images when there is thunder and lightening outside. Stuffed cats haunt dreams, as do four Bambis sewn together. But Bike Taxidermy; now here’s a nifty idea that doesn’t make me want to acid attack my own eyes. People become strangely attached to their bikes (I think it has something to do with the crotch-centric nature of the relationship) and Bicycle Taxidermy helps them immortalize their beloved handlebars in much the same way a hunter would an animal’s face. There are 3 different styles of plaques, two colour options and a little engravable plate for the epitaph, all for a pretty reasonable £50. You can also buy purpose made versions with groovy looking handlebars already attached; I guess that’s for the cyclist whose old bike is wheeling around a farm too far away to visit.
Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts, lowly whore that she is, doesn’t know what cutlery to use for her starter…with hilarious consequences? It’s a common scenario, even for those of us who don’t grant strangers vaginal access for money, and one that the brilliantly named Placemat of Etiquette serves to rectify. Screenprinted with a blueprint for table manners, it’s is all the more brilliant thanks to the fact that it’s in German, and if anyone’s going to throw some manners in us, it’s de Germans. Available from Donkey for €15.95 for two.
Combining two of my greatest passions, Star Wars and shitty novels, artist Timothy Anderson has created these clever prints that imagine Leia and Han’s love story as a work of pulp fiction. Twisting iconic quotes from the trilogy into the blurb, like The Princess and the Scoundrel’s “She loved him and he knew it, but would that be enough?”, there’s more cleverness in one of these prints than there is in every piece of Jar Jar Binks dialogue combined (mesa thinks). Anderson has also turned his eye to space-cowboys with his spaghetti western inspired threesome of prints that are more Stellar Guerre than Star Wars. Visit Timothy Anderson’s prints store to get yours.
Relationships can be tough and graphic artist Safwat Saleem‘s Coupled series of prints explores the less celebrated love/hate between the inanimate objects around us. The loss a lamp feels when its bulb dies, the completion a sock finds when it finds its other half and the asshole sun’s LOLs when it melts a snowman. The horny socket looking for a good plugging brings new mean to turning on the lights. A selection of the prints are available from Society 6.