Ronald Reagan’s daughter is writing porn (erotica, sorry, erotica) , vibrators are being handed out like hot dogs on the streets of New York and American troops are getting freebie dildos. Sex toys are officially mainstream and it’s not the fact that you own a vibrator that’s embarrassing any more, it’s that you own a crap looking one. Designers across the globe are creating high-design sex toys that will put those back-of-the-magazine, ahem, “personal massagers” to shame and put your Rampant Rabbit out to pasture. I’ve filthied up my internet history to find some of the chicest. Monkey’s beware, a very stylish spanking could be just around the corner.
IROHA BY TENGA
Steering clear of the plastic dolls and faux vaginas that have smutted up the industry for some time, Tenga have long been the leaders in innovative sex toys for men. The Japanese company has held fast to their ideals of stylish and high performance (the designer’s original career was tuning super cars) groin gadgets for over 20 years and with 12 million products sold. The female end of the company, Iroha, is newer and designed by women for women. Again, Iroha left the predictable oversized Johnsons to their competitors, offering up far less intimidating – adorable even, yes adorable – vibrators instead. In true Japanese style, the website lyrically explains the concept; “We believe the pleasure that our bodies seek is also something we should value this way. Iroha is a self-pleasure item to respond to those natural needs”. Huzzah!
LIMITED EDITIONS BY JIMMY JANE
There are three fail-safe ways to make something cool; sex, rockstars and Kate Moss. The fact that all three tend to hang out together is probably what inspired Jimmy Jane, the most painstakingly cool sex toy brand on the block. The above picture is of a set of vibrators designed in collaboration with Jamie Hewlett, the cartoonist behind The Gorrillaz. Below we have a black diamond studded vibe ($2,000) decorated with handwritten lyrics by none other than Dave Steward, the guitarist noted for being the least sexy man in The Eurythmics. But all those pseudo-rockstar credentials are overshadowed by the waifish fact that the Kate Moss – the poster-girl for banging musicians – is a fan of the brand. And, to paraphrase Anna Wintour, if it’s good enough for Kate Moss’s vagina, it’s good enough for ours.
INSIGNIA AND LUXE BY LELO
There’s loving gold and there’s loving gold. The folks at Lelo are focussed on the latter. A Johan van der Smut wet-dream turned reality, the Swedish company were the first to create a 24K plated vibrator, because, seriously, 18k? Are we peasants? Whether someone had to lose their genitals in an unfortunate schmelting accident to inspire such a feat is unclear, but the range has expanded to include the Inez (above) which they claim to be “the most exclusive vibrator ever created”, presumably because nobody can afford its €12,000 price tag, and the Earl (below), which is heralded on the site as “The most distinguished Gentleman’s plug in the world” (€1,990 but it comes with cufflinks that would finish ones masturbation tuxedo nicely). There are also sterling silver options of the vibes available which are probably just barely more exclusive and distinguished than rubbing against a turnip.
SMILE MAKERS BY RAMBLING BRANDS
Meet the firman, the millionaire, the frenchman and the tennis coach – not just super-friendly, Crayola-esque vibrators, but real, fantastic men with great senses of humour and addictions to kitten live-streaming. Actually, they are just vibrators, but I bet I had you going. The idea behind Ramblin Brands’s Smile Maker sex toys (€39.95 each) is quite obviously to make sex toys that are as inoffensive and fun as possible. The results are these rather pretty if somewhat anthropomorphised vibrators that are based on fantasy men (tennis coach? Really?) and come complete with personalities and cartoon depictions. I feel like I want to group some and put them in a vase.
JEWEL TOOLS BY BETONY VERNON
Another fan of humping precious metals, Betony Vernon‘s Jewel Tools are sex toys that look like jewellery. Or maybe jewellery that look like sex toys. Above we have the beautifully named Petting Ring, a piece of jewellery one might give to a lady with…let’s say poor manual skills. A lady you really, really like mind, they cost $1,510 are sterling silver and hand-made in Italy. Below we have stunning pair of sterling silver Ben Wa balls ($840); forget vajazzling, these beauties are for the lady who knows 2013 is all about accessorising the cervix. If you don’t know what Ben Wa balls are, here’s the least appealing way of finding out. Needless to say, there are some Kardashians involved.
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