Brass monkeys better gird their loins, it’s set to be a cold ‘un this week. Shocking, huh? If ever there was a harbinger of the end of days, surely it’s headlines that read; ‘Ireland will be cold this December’. *Shudder*. The sanest reaction is to panic, loot and invite the neighbours over for an
orgy cuddle. Which is exactly what we plan on doing right after we try these cockle-warming tricks.
1. Bribe someone into making you a knitted onesie.
Got a bit of dirt on granny and not afraid to use it? Then “convince” her to whip up one of the knitted full-body condoms pictured above. Much more stylish than a slanket and far less tricky than the latex kind to put on.
2. Make some hot ports.
Make a teapot full. Actually, make two teapots. Wait, do you have a bucket…? Add 1 part port to 1 part boiling water, a slice of lemon and some cloves and guzzle.
3. DIY yourself a waterless hot water bottle.
Who are you calling an oxymoron? Waterless hot water bottles are seriously easy to make from stuff you already have knocking around the house; add a pound or two of dried rice, lentils or beans to a canvas shopper, pop in the microwave for about two minutes, wrap with a jumper and snuggle up. You. Are. Welcome.
4. Become a layer bear.
Remember when Chandler hid Joey’s boxers and Joey retaliated by doing the exact opposite? That’s the aim here. It doesn’t matter how warm they are individually, layer up as many leggings, jeggings, socks, tees and and sweaters as you can possibly manage and laugh at the shmucks who are hot and then cold (yes and then no) thanks to the bulky coats they can’t risk taking off.
5. Eat, drink and pee merry.
Digestion heats you up, as does protein and fat, so slurping down a marshmallow-laced hot chocolate and gooey cake (yes, I slurp cake) is practically medicinal. And remember to do your wee-wees, it helps your body stay warm (no, not that way, use a toilet for God’s sake).