Subscription boxes always seem like such a good idea until you end up with six months of molding coffee/wine/mascara in the back of a cupboard. An art delivery service that rocks up once a month to prettify your walls, now that’s more like it. The fact that art isn’t a consumable isn’t the most common reason for it being bought, but then, art is more often not bought, so it’s valid.
I’m not going to get into how I found this out, but Amazon sells sex furniture. Not Amazon.co.uk mind, they’re a member of the Royal British Stereotype Preservation Society, but the American store. Of course, there’s no Irish Amazon so we can’t find out what they’d deem suitable for my compatriot consumers, but I suspect it would probably link to two single beds in a darkened room.
Anyway, the point here is sex furniture (or fornicature, to give it its correct name that I didn’t just make up) is a thing now. What do you think; modern romance at its best or an awkward situation when you have guests over just waiting to happen?
P.S. Because all you dirtbirds love this post so much, I’ve updated it for 2016.
Be still my beaten, battered and bloodied credit card. Society 6, purveyors of the hottest prints on the interweb (and regular frequenters of my bank statements) have only gone and created a whole new genre of things; floor posters. Except they’re not calling them that, they’re just calling them “rugs”. Which is more descriptive I suppose.
I’ve never been a big fan of rugs, because they’re usually expensive and pretty crap, even when Ikea are misting their buy-everything-serum all over me. But suddenly I’m looking around at my stupid floors thinking how lacklustre they are without witty sayings or thought provoking cartoons. Damn I love Society 6.
And, inkeeping with Society 6‘s usual shenanigans, every artist who sells through the store can offer their fans the option to buy their art as a (machine washable) woven polyester rug. Prices start at around €20 for a 2’ by 3’version. Which I can totally squeeze on to the creddie.
In my day, a plastic scissors and a piece of paper was a month spent off the streets. Sure, it kills me that spoilt little snots have way better toys than I did (the closest I came to a computer before the age of 15 was a plastic cash register that never asked for weird pictures of me), but way really cuts me up is that the internet has made the toys of yore way better.
I had, for example, all the necessary supplies to make all of the super cool crafts below, but I didn’t have the imagination or access to those who did. Sure, I’m probably better off for not having had access to grown ups who make kids’ treats, but now that I’m an adult, I’m the one who’s going to be taking advantage. I made this subject matter way darker than it needed to be. Sorry. Just enjoy these super-wacky-crazy papercraft tutorials and pretend like I’m normal.
Custom made paper people.
This isn’t a freebie but for a measly $5 you can have a ready-to-assemble paper-person of yourself. Aaah, Fiverr. You know what this means, right? make paper-persons out of all those people you have arguements in your head with and live out all the awesome comebacks that never were. Or give one as a gift to someone you love. That would be nice too.
Visit the imaginatively named Dani7770’s Fiverr gig to get yours for €4.
Paper letter animals.
All those days spent learning the alphabet and never once did I think to make a zebra Z. This changes now. Follow the link for a whole alphabet of letters (including a ninja N that I’m thinking of whipping up). Just print off the templates and get folding.
Visit Digit Prop for this and loads more super cool papercraft tutorials.
DIY Paper Taxidermy
The clever folks over at Paper Wolf have come up with a way to save on animals and postage; self-assembly papercraft animal heads. You buy the pre-cut cardboard pieces and put it together yourself, basking in the glow of your cleverness. There are many other paper beasts on sale…including a unicorn.
Visit Paper Wolfs Shop, paper heads come in at around €42.
Paper Skull with articulated jaw.
Paper skull….With. Articulated. Jaw…Need I say more?
Get the free tutorial at Skull A Day.
I possibly did make paper pinwheels but I never made pretty displays out of them like this. My dream is to have a wall of Shady and the Lamp‘s Tweed Pinwheels, until then I might just think about considering maybe making these. Maybe.
Get the tutorial for paper pinwheels from Petit PouLou
Paper geoball bowls
If I had bowls like this all over the apartment, it would be pristine. Basically, it’s these little bowls’ fault that I can never find my keys.
Get your life together with the (Finnish) tutorial from Tuulahdus
Paper craft alphabet wall art
Another example of how terribly unstylish my alphabet-learning days were. If only my stupid teachers had Pinterest.
Get the tutorial for the awesomest alphabet from Weekday Carnival
Working paper camera
Okay, so you need a few other components, but this is a functioning film camera made from paper. Practical? No. But such a cool idea for weddings.
Get the tutorial for the paper camera from Wonder How To’s inspiring Paper Craft section.
Who needs s man who brings fresh flowers every Saturday morning with the papers and a croissant when you can make your…paper flowers? These are all kinds of gorgeous though and when Spring hits and the Winter blues lift, spending an hour making flowers for yourself will feel like a much more positive endeavour.
Get the tutorial from 100 Layer Cake.
Political paper pigs.
These aren’t just cute little paper pigs. No, no, that would be childish. These are political paper pigs. You can dowload the template for free but the politico who created these is hoping for a donation to his cause. I didn’t really pick up on what the cause is, I was too busy looking at the cutesy-wootsy piggies.
Get the tutorial from Toxic Paper Factory.
I once painted my rented living room apartment’s walls red. People I know still shiftily comment on it. When you enter a room made for relaxation you don’t want to see red walls, just like when you go into someone’s bathroom you don’t want to see brown walls. I have found myself living in Amsterdam lately in an apartment of white walls. It’s better than red. And it means I don’t have to actually paint (yet).
I’ve been in the apartment coming up on three months now and I have learned two things about white walls. 1. they make all my stuff look nice; 2. the temptation to paint them is almost unbearable at times. I’m not going to scratch that itch and to steel my pre-Lentent resolve here is some white-wall-porn* to enjoy together. Ahhhh….
*My apologies to those of you who found this page searching for “white wall porn”. Perverts.
Fighting over the quilt, slamming your head on the bedside locker after being sleep-shoved out of bed, landing in dirty socks; ah, the gentle bliss of living with your loved one. All’s fair in love and war until somebody loses their slice of the blanket…then all bets are off. Here are ten bed sets that will help your bedtime feel like less of a battleground…unless you’re into that kind of thing.
1. Yes, No, Maybe pillowcases(€52, Minna’s Room). Make your message loud and clear and get exactly what you want with these hanky panky pillowcases…or just throw them in the air and let destiny decide.
2. Seven Deadly Sins pillowcases (€32, Dustys and Lulu). Option 1 a little too discrete? Then get to the point with Dustys and Lulu’s sinful pillowcases. Other options include Shouty, Fatty, Angry and Slutty so your every mood is covered.
3. Make Love Not War duvet set (Miss Geschick and Lady Lapsus). Sharing is caring so put an end to the your-side-my-side debate with this 50/50 duvet cover. The gun, alas, is not included but highly recommended.
4. Buon Appetito duvet cover (Miss Geschick and Lady Lapsus). Nobody should be kicked out of bed for eating biscuits. Nobody. Luckily the clever folks at Miss Geschick and Lady Lapsus have created this duvet cover/napkin that allows you eat a full Sunday roast between the sheets if you want to, without ruining the bed. About bloody time.
5. Doodle duvet cover (from €55, Doodle and Stitch). Now this is my kind of duvet cover. The notepad print is awesome in it’s own right but throw in the possibility of writing lovey, lusty or don’t-forget-the-milky notes and you have the perfect bed linen for busy couples. Simply pop it into the wash and you have clean slate to write on all over again. Something like ‘seriously, remember to bring home some goddamn milk‘, perhaps?
6. Love Birds pillow cases (€25, Xeno Tees). Let the shenanigans commence with these Love Birds pillowcases. They say the secret to a happy relationship is never going to bed angry and I’m guessing that a few minutes spent chirping at each other in bed would ease the tension. If that doesn’t work, invent your own version of Angry Birds.
7. Happiness In Bed duvet cover (€264, Happiness In Bed). With built-in sleeves to keep your arms warm while you read, this ingenious duvet set has got loved-up bookworms covered. Well, anything that staves off the need for the powerfully contraceptive Slanket is good in my book.
8. My Side Your Side pillowcase (€37, Cushions Covered). Forget compromising, mark your territory early with these pillowcases and put your partner in their place. And yes, you can buy two My Sides if you want…that should help clear up any misunderstandings.
9. Twister Duvet Set (€100, Ebay). Having originally started out as a Mexican ad for Viagra, the Twister duvet set has turned into one of the most sought after bedroom accessories since, well, Viagra. It may take a little hunting (Ebay is your best bet) but a few rounds of naked Twister is probably equal to a decade of couples counselling.
10. Blandito Transformable Pad (from €415, Blandito). Admittedly this isn’t bed linen, but how often have you looked at your lunchtime burrito and wished you could just climb on in? Well, now you can. Kind of. These transformable pads wrap you and your amigo up like little donkeys for some seriously spicy snuggling. Is this what they mean by Food Porn?