Bonsai have never thrilled me. But then, a bonsai has never provoked me to stand up on my chair and scream “Witch!” while batting my computer screen with a fly-swatter. The designer’s behind the Air Bonsai claim that magnets allow it levitate like a damn banshee. Nice try, Japanese designers. Nice try.
I’m not going to get into how I found this out, but Amazon sells sex furniture. Not Amazon.co.uk mind, they’re a member of the Royal British Stereotype Preservation Society, but the American store. Of course, there’s no Irish Amazon so we can’t find out what they’d deem suitable for my compatriot consumers, but I suspect it would probably link to two single beds in a darkened room.
Anyway, the point here is sex furniture (or fornicature, to give it its correct name that I didn’t just make up) is a thing now. What do you think; modern romance at its best or an awkward situation when you have guests over just waiting to happen?
P.S. Because all you dirtbirds love this post so much, I’ve updated it for 2016.
Plants. Glorious, clutter-hiding, soul soothing/crushing plants. My track record of plant-care verges on the genocidal, but I’m slowly learning how not to kill so many. Or, at least, how to kill them very, very slowly.
Though notoriously shitty conversationalists, I love surrounding myself with houseplants, squeezing them into every nook and cranny of my apartment and office desk. Yeah, they’re good for the air and the heart and such. But I’m a misogynist when it comes to indoor horticulture; I value them almost entirely for their looks. I’ll share some pics of my own plants soon, once I teach them how to shut their whiny mouths and look pretty for the cameras. Until then, allow me to share with your some plants that’ve got it going on the looks department. Run, run I tell you, to the nearest plant shop. Cos they’re not going to kill themselves.
Be still my beaten, battered and bloodied credit card. Society 6, purveyors of the hottest prints on the interweb (and regular frequenters of my bank statements) have only gone and created a whole new genre of things; floor posters. Except they’re not calling them that, they’re just calling them “rugs”. Which is more descriptive I suppose.
I’ve never been a big fan of rugs, because they’re usually expensive and pretty crap, even when Ikea are misting their buy-everything-serum all over me. But suddenly I’m looking around at my stupid floors thinking how lacklustre they are without witty sayings or thought provoking cartoons. Damn I love Society 6.
And, inkeeping with Society 6‘s usual shenanigans, every artist who sells through the store can offer their fans the option to buy their art as a (machine washable) woven polyester rug. Prices start at around €20 for a 2’ by 3’version. Which I can totally squeeze on to the creddie.
Kickstarter, one of my favourite places to waste time these days, can throw up many a surprising, terrifying and face-slappingly worrying idea from would-be entrepreneurs. Often though, you’ll find a little invention that is close enough to what already exists to make you wonder if some mad scientist hasn’t already light-bulbed it and clever enough to be demand support and encouragement because it turns out, smarty pants, that it’s the first of its kind. Window Pods are one of those inventions. Interior designers are going nuts for all things indoor gardening of late but add some super-hip vertical gardening to the mix and you’ve got an Elle Decor wet-dream.
Create by California-based green finger Ben Shope, the Window Pods are a clever solution for those of you who don’t have the space or light for plant pots. Using a suction pad, the pods stick to the window (let there be light) without taking up any valuable real-estate on your window sill. Having already raised his financial goal, there’s still a month left to back Ben and get on his good side before he turns into the Bill Gates of shrubbery. So far, no word on shipping outside of the U.S. but with the pods coming in at $39 for three (including herbs seeds), you can probably offer some kind of bribe.Visit www.windowpods.org for more.
I once painted my rented living room apartment’s walls red. People I know still shiftily comment on it. When you enter a room made for relaxation you don’t want to see red walls, just like when you go into someone’s bathroom you don’t want to see brown walls. I have found myself living in Amsterdam lately in an apartment of white walls. It’s better than red. And it means I don’t have to actually paint (yet).
I’ve been in the apartment coming up on three months now and I have learned two things about white walls. 1. they make all my stuff look nice; 2. the temptation to paint them is almost unbearable at times. I’m not going to scratch that itch and to steel my pre-Lentent resolve here is some white-wall-porn* to enjoy together. Ahhhh….
*My apologies to those of you who found this page searching for “white wall porn”. Perverts.
A Francis Bacon painting sold recently for €50-million. It was not, despite the rumours, one of my latest acquisitions. While art prints are something I’m reasonably willing to splurge on, I’ve moved apartments recently and my bare walls are not nearly as whingey as my bare bank account. As soon as my cash-flow problems are rectified, I’ll find whoever bought that Francis Bacon and outbid the shit out of them. Until then, I’m going to have to do it my bloody self.
Ranging from mind-blowingly easy to very mildly taxing, here’s my pick of some none-too-spendy wall art tutorials even a lazy, lazy blogger like I might manage.
1. Cut out lyric art.
If you’ve got a sharp knife, a piece of paper and waaaaaay more patience than I, this DIY couldn’t be easier. The only real task is figuring what lyrics to use. Personally, I’d go for Three 6 Mafia’s Ass and Titties because it’s my boyfriend and my song. For a less romantic option, anything from Rammstein. Get the tutorial from How About Orange.
2. Nerdy postcard wall art.
Why read books when you can hang them on the wall? Wait, that’s not right. Why hang books when you can read them on your wall. Nope. Whatever, don’t nail things you might need to your wall. Though Penguin books are truly delicious to look at, they are also pretty damn tasty to read, so make like this clever blogger and use postcards mounted on varying sizes of foam to create this lovely wall art. Get the tutorial from How About Orange.
3. Typography art with Hubble imagery.
As Shakespeare once said, “Space, the final frontier”. If you’re too pecious to get your hands dirty and want to force your computer to make your art, then this could be the one for you. Using images from taken by NASA’s Hubble Telescope (oh, the joyous nerdiness) and some Photoshoppery, you can create a pretty awesome piece of art. Get the tutorial from My Cakies.
4. DIY sketched photo wall art.
This is not a Photoshopped photo of a cranky baby, it’s a drawing. By breaking down the drawing steps to tiny degrees, the poster is drawn by hand. Now, I’m not saying this is an easy one but if you’re baby can give bitch face at such a young age, it deserves it’s own hand-drawn portrait. That’s just good parenting. Get the surprisingly do-able tutorial from Poppy Talk.
5. Typography art with Bob Ross imagery.
Okay, so this isn’t a real Bob Ross cruelly defaced by hipster bloggers. No one is that hip. But if you possess one of those slightly cheesy, slightly wonderful landscape drawings and don’t have the heart to dump it, why not upgrade it? A little patience with the sharp knife (ugh, again!) and some diligent placement and you’ve got this rad typography art print. Mine’s going to say something like, “A happy little cloud”. Because Bob Ross is a goddam legend.
Istanbul based illustrator Ali Gulec creates all kinds of sinister loveliness with his reimagined skulls. His prolific work in cranial art merges the grotesque with the pretty to create some pretty cool wall art. And, goddammit, he even illustrates the occasional llama. Though a firm favourite on Society 6 (search for skulls, which I all too often do, and you won’t be long landing on Gulec) his website Ikiiki showcases his art in their rightful collections and is a way better place to view it. If Santa hasn’t been watching too closely I might be in with a shot for one of these prints.