I’m not going to get into how I found this out, but Amazon sells sex furniture. Not Amazon.co.uk mind, they’re a member of the Royal British Stereotype Preservation Society, but the American store. Of course, there’s no Irish Amazon so we can’t find out what they’d deem suitable for my compatriot consumers, but I suspect it would probably link to two single beds in a darkened room.
Anyway, the point here is sex furniture (or fornicature, to give it its correct name that I didn’t just make up) is a thing now. What do you think; modern romance at its best or an awkward situation when you have guests over just waiting to happen?
P.S. Because all you dirtbirds love this post so much, I’ve updated it for 2016.
Balastudio Adela Stool.
The hippest hipsters in Hipsterville have been banging on about antler detail décor for the home for a while now, and thanks to Mexican design collective Balastudio, our interest has finally been roused. This looks a little Star Treky (didn’t they put a small version into Captain Picard’s ear?) but if you do happen to have visitors drop by mid-shenanigans, you can simply ask them to hang their hats on this and they’ll be none the wiser. Probably. Belastudio made only 69 (get it) of these limited edition sex chairs but they have a few different pieces of erotic furniture (their words), some of which are pretty similar to this. They also created a crystal and stainless steel shower cubicle with glory holes…so you can cross that off your list too.
2016 Update: This chair was a limited edition and is no longer available to buy. I’ve searched high and sobre for something similar, and have come up with these two options; this no-frill, just-need-a-chair-to-ride-on stool, and a this terrifyingly surgical-meets-gentlemens club seat. Or look for yourself. Best of luck to you.
The Liberator Black Label Esse.
2016 edit: Here’s a new entry, ahem. Another Liberator (see below), this time enabling enough different potential positions to exhaust the Karma Sutra. The Esse‘s many, many (many!) attachments hanging from the adjustable cushions are for the restraints that come included. Naturally.
The Tantra Chair.
The Tantra Chair, which The Discovery Channel rather weirdly called “our favourite chair”, is the mac daddy of fornicature. Costing upwards of €1000, the website says it’s “a modern chaise designed to enhance and simplify the advanced sexual positions of The Karma Sutra.” It’s a good looking beast too but whether or not we start seeing it in the bleached wood living rooms of Elle Décor and the like remains to be seen. Also, I thought people stopped reading The Kama Sutra in the eighties.
2016 update: If you’re having trouble ordering The Tantra Chair, you can get something veeeeeery similar from Amazon here.
Matteo Cubic’s Bedside Lamp.
Shining new light on old traditions, serious designer-type Matteo Cibic created a bedside lamp and goldfish bowl with a rather convenient dildo hidden inside. Yes, you read that right. Presumably Matteo has bottom-drawer-rifling room-mates. Or a thing for lamps. Get it here.
2016 Update: This cleverly disguised vibrator is no longer available, but check out the equally sneaky vibe below.
The Wake Up Vibe.
I’m not entirely sure who uses alarm clocks these days, but probably the same kind of person who regrets that their clock radio doesn’t get them off. Enter; The Wake Up Vibe. Cleverly disguised as, well, a vibrator with a clock.
The awesomely named Love Bumper (from hereon in, sex shall be called love bumping) is a cheaper and smaller chaise lounge than The Tantra Chair that seems to have taken it’s aesthetical inspiration from Star Trek uniforms (or is the Treky theme just me?). Love Bumper is the name of the company behind it too, and they boast a rather extensive selection of ergonomically designed sex wedges even keeping our medical concerns in mind. Got soft tissue and joint problems? Then the Tilt is for you. Suffering with lower back pain? Try the Iceberg. They even have one named the Lil’ Pony. Yeehaw. And because I know you’re wondering, yes, you can get them with built-in handcuffs.
Little Deeper Cushion.
The Little Deeper website’s homepage lists the health benefits of having sex (improves sleep, lowers risk of prostate cancer and other sexy nuggets) so as you can imagine this isn’t the aimed at the most libidinous of lido shoppers. There are a lot of pictures and videos of women in eighties bikinis strewn across the cushion on the site too despite it being aimed at couples and not as an addition to your masterbatorium. The red velvet finish is probably to detract from the child-booster-seat vibe but naturally enough makes it look a little seedy because, you know, its red velvet. If a nosy house-guest did happen upon this they’d probably just laugh at you for being such a wuss.
This is the crowd that I found on Amazon and believe me when I tell you that Liberator are committed to improving your sexy time. From waterproof stages and heart shaped ramps to mustache shaped ride loungers (you don’t have one?) and heart shaped contoured cushions (which they claim doubles up as decorative pillows – ew), if you can imagine it, Liberator have made it out of foam, covered it in faux leather and added bondage straps. Some are pretty obviously made for humping on but they do manage to pull off a few innocuous versions that wouldn’t scare the neighbours.
Hotdoll Pet Toy.
Afraid all this furniture humping will make the dog jealous? Enter the Hotdoll – a sex-toy for your doggy. The site explains, ‘Stability, strength, ergonomics, Hot Doll is specially designed for the utmost comfort of your pet.’ But presumably far less comfort for any human witnesses. Now, will I make the heaving petting joke or the doggie style joke? Neither? Fine.